I don’t even want to do this.
Chapter 30 starts with Kitto laying back on the cold tile of the bathroom floor so that Merry can climb onto him to slob that knob. I just want to skip this entire scene. I don’t even want to describe it to you. Maybe I’ll just post some choice quotes from it:
His sex was swollen and thick even before I got to kneel between his legs. Anticipation had done much of my work for me.
I slid my mouth over the swollen tip of him, like taking in a whole, ripe plum until my mouth was so full I couldn’t bite down, and couldn’t swallow. My mouth is full of the ripe, firm flesh, but with this plum, filling my mouth was only the beginning, so much left to swallow. The warm thickness of the fruit doesn’t writhe in your mouth, as you move over it. It doesn’t cry out as you lick along it inside your mouth.
I had to raise my mouth off of Kitto for a moment. Had to catch my breath, and fight off the urge to bite down.
I mean, she did just describe his dick as if it were A PLUM so I guess I understand why she’d want to chomp it. Plums be delicious, yo.
Oh there’s a fun pause here because Nicca had been playing with Merry’s ass, but he stops. Merry asks why, so they start talking about how Nicca wants their possibly last time together to be exactly what he wants, as he’ll miss Merry if he gets Biddy pregnant. Merry asks Nicca what exactly he will miss.
“… watching you stretched underneath me, screaming your pleasure around another man’s body, while I bring you, and pour my pleasure between your legs.”
I like that he’s thinking of that all the while knowing that he and Biddy are a perfect match, basically true loves, and he’s still just pining over what he’ll miss by leaving Merry’s bed.
Nicca tells them of a time before the fey were monogamous, and how no one talks about it because they didn’t like to talk about what they lost. “We adopted monogamy because the humans outbred us using it.” What? What does that even mean? If the fey were truly fucking machines like this book leads us to believe, it doesn’t matter how many partners they’re fucking, they’re gonna have the same amount of babies as humans. The humans outbred you because you are a small group of super picky IMMORTAL peoples. This shouldn’t even matter.
Anyway, Nicca tells Merry again exactly how he wants their last time to go (same as before) and so the chapter ends with Galen showing Kitto how to position his body so that they can accomplish this.
Chapter 31 begins with Galen moving Kitto out of the way so he can show Kitto exactly how to position his body so Merry can “do oral sex” while Nicca is getting to pound town down below. Kitto notices how Merry is looking at Galen while he positions himself, and gets all pouty about this.
I just do not understand how EVERY SEX SCENE in the LKH-verse has to start with, pause for, and end with MEN WHINING ABOUT SOMETHING. Every single one. There can never be a sex scene without some sort of overly emotional bullcrap being thrown into the mix. Why can’t there ever just be ONE sex scene without baggage?
Merry eventually calms Kitto down by admitting that Galen was her first crush, so she will always have those memories associated with him. That she doesn’t have that with anyone else in her retinue. As soon as Kitto is appeased, Nicca starts fondling Merry again and we get a fun conversation about Merry’s wetness. I’ve previously blogged about how LKH likes to talk about wetness in her sex scenes, so you just know how much I enjoy this.
“You’re not wet enough,” Nicca said.
It took me two swallows to say with a suddenly dry throat, “Bath, always does that.”
“Odd that such wetness makes a woman dry,” he said, and his finger found my opening, slipped inside. It made me gasp, made my hand convulse around Kitto’s. Nicca moved his finger inside me, gently, slowly. “I am not so large as some, but not small either. This dry it will hurt.”
My voice came breathy. “Then make me wet.”
So I guess the whole part about Galen just demonstrating how Kitto should position his body was for naught, because Galen’s totally just going to take over for the whole show.
Galen had faded a little, too, with all the talk, and I liked that better for oral sex. A little softness first, a little less size to begin with. He straddled my upper body, and as soon as he was close enough I tried to take him in my mouth.
I just picture her as one of those old-timey battery operated fishing games with his dick.
I’m still trying to figure out exactly how Galen is positioning himself above Merry’s head, but I realize this is pretty futile as I just don’t care that much. Merry eventually gets his dick in her mouth and just goes to town on it like a LKH heroine is wont to do. It’s in sex scenes that Merry and Anita are truly replaceable. You could throw one or the other into each scene, maybe replace a couple of the dude names, and the scene could literally take place in either series. As much as LKH wants her sex scenes to be “real” and unique, they’re really just copies of the same stupid scenario over and over again. Especially now that Anita regularly has two or more men with her at all time.
Anyway, Galen pulls away, because he’s not supposed to juice in her mouth, scout’s honor or whatever. But Merry begs. And begs. And begs and pleads with him to just go in her mouth, since she’s got a magical ability to bring a dude back to full hard-on with only a touch.
Seriously, “go in my mouth” makes her seem more like she’s begging for him to piss in her than jizz. Maybe that’s just me. I hate the phrasing used in these books. Do an oral. Pee jizz my mouth. Whatever.
The chapter ends with Galen telling Merry that “a princess shouldn’t have to beg” and then jamming his cock right back into her throat.
I wish there were FB-style reactions we could use, and that one of them was 🤮
Seriously, this is so icky and uncomfortable. Not because I’m some sex-starved prude, just like…the continued child imagery with Kitto, why the f Galen is “STRADDLING HER HEAD” and has to get “close enough” for her to slobber down his “sex.” LKH always seems afraid of using the term “penis.” Always with the manhood or the “his sex,” whatever.
Anyway. Have they seriously never figured out how much easier it would be to Eiffel Tower that bitch? Or is taking her from behind somehow taboo too because there’s an Old Fishwife’s Tale that says babies bred doggy-style turn into dogs and they don’t want to double-down Doyle their risk of her having puppies?
Also, it’s kind of hilarious Kitto (hey, kiddo! 🤢🤮) looks at Galen with “jealousy,” like…was he under the impression Merry was attracted to him?? What? She thinks of him as a kid(do) and makes him rub her errands and warm her bath. She only has sex with him because she accidentally did once and it made him sidhe and now she doesn’t have an excuse.
AND WHO THE FUCK BEGS A MAN TO COME DOWN HER THROAT?? And what kind of man MUST BE BEGGED (before seemingly violently forcing himself back into her waiting mouth? Is that right??)
Just…there’s so much I want to say but if I keep going I might as well review them myself. Fuck LKH. But not in the way she wants you to (missionary, under the covers, lights out and bras on)
Trying to picture just what the fuck Galen is doing, nevermind WHY he’s doing it, is going to entertain me for weeks!
I love it when she writes about stunt penis number 22’s “body” when she actually means his penis. Something like, “I could feel his body hard against my wetness” . It makes me think of the guy shrinking to miniature size and going spelunking in her vagina. She mostly does this in the Anita Blake series.