Chapter 3 begins with Merry overhearing Kitto talking to whoever’s on the mirror phone just as she’s about to enter the room. Merry can’t understand what he’s saying, but she can tell by the tone of his voice that he’s pleading with someone, and the voice that answers Kitto isn’t Kurag’s but rather that of his wife, Creeda. Merry enters the room and sees Kitto standing right in front of it.
Kitto is pleading with Creeda, telling her not to make him do whatever she’s trying to make him do, and Merry turns her attention to the mirror. I just love the way some of the goblins are described in this series. For some reason, I pretty much always assume they look like Mike Wazowski but with more lumps and zits and eyes. And arms. And hair growing just everywhere.
She sat in the mirror, not a reflection, but as clear as if she sat just in front of us. She wasn’t much taller than Kitto, and her hair was long and black, but where his hair was silken, hers looked as dry and harsh as it truly was. She had more eyes scattered about her face than I could count. That along with a nest of arms around her middle gave her the look of some great spider. A smile split the wide lipless mouth and flashed fangs enough to make any spider proud. She had only two legs and two breasts. If those had been multiples, she’d have been the epitome of goblin beauty.
So Creeda tells Kitto that he’ll “do what ye’re told” because she has an accent or something, and Kitto starts to PULL HIS PANTS DOWN. Merry tells him to stop, but makes sure to say it cheerfully, as if to mask her disdain for Creeda. How… how exactly do you say “Stop, Kitto” cheerfully? Why would you even say it cheerfully? You’re trying to pull rank here, Kitto is yours, so why are you trying to hid anything, Merry?
Anyway, Merry greets Creeda, giving her her full title, and Creeda greets Merry back similarly. Creeda then tells Merry that if Merry has other things to do, she’d gladly continue entertaining Kitto. She wants to see him in his true sidhe form, all shining and beautiful like the other sidhe. Kurag then chooses this moment to come into view of the mirror, announcing that all their talking hinges on Kitto actually being a sidhe now, so they want to make certain he is a true sidhe now, and they want to see him glow during sex.
Because being able to glow during sex is apparently the only thing that differentiates goblins from sidhe, or something? Who cares, moving on.
Merry greets Kurag and his parasitic twin and explains for the nineteenth time how the parasitic twin once exposed his tiny parasitic penis to her and she’s been creeped out over that since then. Merry then tells them that they have told them that Kitto is now sidhe, and that the sidhe do not lie, so Kurag should believe her. Kurag tells her that they desire to see him shine with their own eyes, because Kurag isn’t a fucking idiot.
Kurag then turns his attention on Rhys, calling out his presence. Creeda tells them that she has always longed for a taste of Rhys, because she didn’t get an opportunity when he was there last. Merry feels Rhys stiffen next to her, and realizes that she may have made a mistake asking him to perform for the goblins, because she never expects anything but utter failure from her *lesser* guards. Meaning anyone other than Frost and Doyle, assuredly.
But Rhys actually pulls through and starts basically casually stripping for the mirror.
He sat down on the bed. I glanced behind to see that he sat leaning forward, making the top of the robe gape, framing his chest, white surrounding white like a piece of smooth ivory wrapped up in a cloud. He propped his heels on the underpart of the bed so that the robe parted in the middle, not showing much flesh, but giving the promise that only a little more movement would flaunt his legs, his thighs, all of him.
This is supposed to be sexy?
Doyle puts a stop to this foolishness and tells Kurag that they must know now if they will be visiting the goblin sithen on their trip back to Faerie. Are they going back to Faerie for Yule? I have no idea when this book even takes place. It was early December in the last book, and they’re all moved into Maeve Reed’s guest house now, and moving is no small chore, so how much time has passed? Does LKH even know?
Oh but as he asks this, Doyle starts flirting with the goblins as well. He crosses his arms under his beefy man tits and presses them outward, so that his nipple ring sticks out against his arm. He’s still only wearing the tiny bikini bottom, and Creeda starts to reach out towards the mirror as if to touch him. Kurag pulls her arms back and hugs her to him. She instantly starts caressing Kurag. And apparently:
In goblin culture if you needed sex, you just took it, wherever you happened to be or whatever you happened to be doing. It made business meetings with them, odd.
Hahaha, god damn. Also THAT COMMA. WHAT.
Kurag asks them to prove that Kitto is sidhe. Merry asks him if that will make him agree to their proposal (more alliance time for every goblin they turn sidhe), and Kurag tells them no, but that if they do not prove Kitto is sidhe, he will no longer even consider talking to them.
I let some of my impatience with them show. “So, what, Kitto puts on a show for you, and we gain nothing from it? I don’t think so.”
Uh, no, Merry. Kurag JUST TELLS YOU that it will gain them a further audience with him to consider their proposal. They’re not gaining nothing from it, but they ARE gaining a further audience with him. The sidhe are manipulative lying assholes, it’s not hard to see how Kurag is trying to cover his ass here.
Creeda tells them that she thinks that Merry doesn’t have the balls to turn any further goblins sidhe, and she insinuates that Doyle is pressuring Merry to do this to continue the alliance. Doyle tells them that he’s not making Merry do anything, that Merry has decided this for herself. Then we get THIS GEM:
“I know you would not lie outright, but I also know that a woman besotted with a man will do much from a hint. It doesn’t have to be an order. A word here, a word there.”
I love how little LKH thinks of other females. We’re all just broken, easily manipulated idiots to her.
So anyway Doyle continues to negotiate with Kurag and Kurag calls him out on this, asking Merry if she always lets Doyle do all her talking. She asks Kurag to consider what she is offering them: goblins with sidhe powers. Kurag asks her why she’s not afraid of the goblins becoming stronger, and she tells him that she has realized that he enjoys his life on US soil and would protect that. That alone would keep Kurag from warring against the sidhe.
I don’t think I can roll my eyes any harder than I am rolling them right now.
But Merry also admits to herself that she’s mostly not afraid of the goblin’s extra power because there’s only a few half-sidhe among the goblins, and she doesn’t believe that’d be enough extra power to ensure the goblins would even win a war.
Kurag tells her that an extra month for every goblins he turns sidhe is too generous. He bargains for an extra day per goblin. Merry leans forward to flash her bikini-covered breasts at Kurag and tells him that offer was insulting. Kurag licks his lips and offers her an extra week per goblin transformed.
I sat up straighter and began to fuss with the robe as if I were hot. “Why not a year for each of the ones I bring over? Yes” – I looked up from undoing the sash of my robe – “yes, I like that. A year for each of them, and that includes Kitto.” I opened the robe to frame the rest of my body. To show clearly how little I was wearing.
“No, no year. If you stripped naked for me, you could not get a year.”
I smiled up at him, putting the shine into my tricolored eyes, two shades of green and a circle of gold. “And you cannot bargain me down to a day.”
“No, no year. If you stripped naked for me, you could not get a year.”
I smiled up at him, putting the shine into my tricolored eyes, two shades of green and a circle of gold. “And you cannot bargain me down to a day.”
This makes Kurag break out in a full on belly-shaking laugh, and tells Merry that she’s truly her father’s daughter and knows her worth. Merry asks him what her worth is if he won’t even agree to an alliance on the chance of seeing her naked, all the while playing coy. She continues to tell him that all the sidhe consider her ugly, that her features are not sidhe-enough to be beautiful, and this causes Kurag to stand up, shouting about who would say such harsh things to Merry, he’ll kill them! He’ll kill them good!
The outrage on his face, the trembling rage of him – I took it for the compliment it was. I realized in that moment that Kurag might want me for more than just politics or supernatural bloodlines. In that heartbeat, I thought that maybe, just maybe, the Goblin King loved me, in an odd sort of way. I had expected many things today, but not love.
He loves you like a father figure, Merry. A father figure who desperately wants to fuck you, which is just disturbing, but a father figure nonetheless.
The realization that Kurag loves her makes Merry start crying. She knows that all her guards are with her solely on the chance that they’ll get her pregnant and they’ll be king. They’re only with her because they get to fuck her. They would never be with her for just her, but Kurag would defend her honor and beauty without even having the chance at sex with her. That’s true love, right there, am I right?
Because LKH honestly thinks that is true love.
Anyway, Kurag tells Merry not to cry, and Kitto goes over to Merry and begins licking away her tears. Yup.
Kurag tells them that he cannot do a year, so Merry asks him what he will agree to.
“Let me show you what a real goblin can do for you, Merry,” Kurag said. His gaze slid to Rhys. “Let me cut off a choice piece of flesh. It’ll grow back if it’s done right. For that I’d agree to almost anything.”
I’m taking this to mean that Kurag wants to cut off Rhys’s dick, and there’s nothing you say that can convince me otherwise.
Rhys tells Kurag that he left Kitto out of the bargaining, and Kurag tells them that since Kitto is both his goblin and too weak to stop him, he can do whatever he damn well pleases with the stupid childlike goblin. Kurag then turns back to Merry and tells him that he will agree to a month for every goblin she turns sidhe if she will fuck him and if he can have a bite of Rhys. Merry responds that she cannot fuck Kurag, as that would break his marriage vows. Sidhe laws forbid adultery of any sort, and she refuses his bargain. Kurag then tells them that they have no bargain unless she agrees to that.
Doyle then interrupts and tells some dumb tale about how he was there when the goblin’s magic was stolen away by the Seelie Court, and that he did not agree to their magic being taken away from them. Doyle wants to offer them back a bit of what went missing. Merry then whispers in Kitto’s ear “shine for them”. I thought they only shone during sex? Kitto gets all sad, telling Merry that he’s afraid. He’s too scared to shine. So she begins kissing him. Kurag stops her to ask wtf she’s doing, and she tells him that she has to help Kitto shine, because he’s too afraid of Kurag and Creeda to do it on his own.
Kurag asks them what use is this magic if the user needs help drawing it, and Merry explains that sometimes the beginnings of sidhe powers are difficult to grasp and need help being drawn out of the user. Kurag just accepts this without questioning, because remember the sidhe don’t lie! Creeda then pipes in, telling them that she’s eager to see Merry shine too, which makes Kurag punch her. Because violence against women is totally okay when the woman is a goblin, yeah?
Anyway, Merry announces that she will ease Kitto’s fears by caressing him, and like the entire room behind Kurag erupts in cheers. Apparently there’s a huge crowd just eager as fuck to watch Merry make out with her child goblin lover. THEY KEEP TALKING. There’s like PAGES AND PAGES after Merry announces this of them bickering over whether Kurag actually wants to see Kitto shine or not, blah blah blah. God, the talking.
SO FINALLY
I looked at Kitto. I asked him with my eyes if he was ready. He mouthed, Yes. I kissed him gently on the mouth, not as foreplay but as a thank-you, and as an apology for making him do something he didn’t want to do.
I could feel the reluctance in his body and I was torn. I knew Kitto well enough to put him in the right mind-set quickly, but if I did it in front of the goblins they’d know how to do it, too. I knew how to make Kitto shine, because I was his lover and his friend. If I went slower and did more things, with the touches that were truly his favorites lost in many touches, then Creeda would not have the keys to his body. It would take longer, but I didn’t want to help Creeda torment him. I would do my best to see that Creeda never got her hands on him, but I knew too much of royal politics to be certain I could keep him safe. You do not lightly refuse a queen, any queen.
I could feel the reluctance in his body and I was torn. I knew Kitto well enough to put him in the right mind-set quickly, but if I did it in front of the goblins they’d know how to do it, too. I knew how to make Kitto shine, because I was his lover and his friend. If I went slower and did more things, with the touches that were truly his favorites lost in many touches, then Creeda would not have the keys to his body. It would take longer, but I didn’t want to help Creeda torment him. I would do my best to see that Creeda never got her hands on him, but I knew too much of royal politics to be certain I could keep him safe. You do not lightly refuse a queen, any queen.
I think I need to bleach my brain after this. Kitto is OBVIOUSLY TERRIFIED and DOESN’T WANT TO DO THIS but Merry NEEDS TO so it’s AUTOMATICALLY OKAY.
MERRY IS GOING TO MOUTH-RAPE KITTO AGAINST HIS WISHES SO THAT SHE MAY GAIN ALLIANCE WITH THE GOBLINS.
THIS IS SO WRONG.
Guys, I’m so sorry. I told you that the books start getting more and more crazy after the 2nd book, but I totally didn’t even think we’d get a scene rape-apologizing by chapter 3. I didn’t even remember this scene from my initial series read-through a few months ago. I must have totally burned it from my mind.
Or maybe there’s just crazier shit that happens that totally takes this over.
Even so, we have yet another instance of LKH making light of a rape to justify something her main character does. Merry is doing it to gain alliance, so obviously this rape is totally okay, because would our saint Merry ever do anything to harm one of her men? OF COURSE NOT.
Anyway the chapter ends here and I hate myself.
Trailer Park of Emotion 