Undead and Unwed Chapters 23-24: One entirely too short chapter followed by one entirely too long chapter. Vampire 101. Betsy and the Bullshit Prophecy Which Robs Her of All Autonomy, Apparently.

Like I said, Chapter 23 is very short. It’s about four solid pages in my paperback copy, including the half-page Chapter page and the half-page end page. Which is what I am doing, so deal with it! Or not, who cares. Five pages if you’re being generous, four pages if you include humongous blank spots as a page.

Anyway, it’s Betsy and Sinclair going out practice-hunting. Starts out with Betsy saying aloud, “Here I am, just wandering down a deserted street in the middle of the night. I hope I don’t run into any trouble. Goodness, that would just ruin my whole evening.” I strolled and hummed, trying to project Innocent Victim, and then she describes what she’s wearing and IDGAF. Basically, if she truly is trying to “project Innocent Victim,” she is doing a pisspoor job of it by loudly announcing that. Like, even the dumbest attacker might pause at that, assuming some kind of police sting or whatever. I mean, that actually might be a good way not to be attacked, although not forever–people tend to catch on to trends and such.

Anyway, she actually does get attacked (because this is a fictional story) after whining about how stupid this is, “I gave up watching Seinfeld reruns for this? It’s–aaiigh!” The “aaiigh” is where she is attacked–she says it feels like someone threw a brick wall on top of her, and they both fell into the dirt. She slaps at him, and says my hand instantly went numb. It was like slapping a brick. A dirty brick (I just love it when authors use the same unnecessary word over and over in the same paragraph, don’t you?!) I felt him slam my shoulders into the ground, and then I saw a flash of–fangs?

Yes, she’s attacked by another vampire, one who does not know who she is. He tells her she’s pretty and to not scream anymore, and she says she hasn’t even started yet, “And cripes, do you need a bath,” because mature people are always obsessed with negging on other people’s hygiene. She claims, “He had shoulder-length hair that had last been washed when Bush was president…the other Bush,” which is actually good of her to point out, as this book was published smackdab in the middle of W’s 8 years.

Of course she keeps shrieking and mocking him, and shrieking some more. He asks her what she is–”You’re delicious, and fast, but you’re not a vamp–” and is cut off by Sinclair picking him up by the scruff of his neck, like he’s dealing with a naughty kitten. I do wonder why he assumes she’s not a vampire, because she is, queen or nay queen, but we will never get an answer on that one.

Anyway, Betsy whines at Sinclair for taking so long to rescue her (like all strong female characters do!) and continues with her inane commentary, all the while Sinclair is throwing him into walls, then “shaking him like a rat” (why do so many people shake so-and-so like insert-some-animal in this series, seriously?) followed by more wall-throwing. And again and again, just picking him up and tossing him into nearby hard objects, while saying (interrupted after every sentence with a paragraph break saying “Whoosh! Smack!” but I don’t feel like typing it out like that) “This is the queen! My queen! Never touch her,” until she finally shrieks at him to stop.

This will become a regular thing for Sinclair. If anyone–even her friends and family–touches her in any sort of way (including defending themselves) or says something he deems bad enough, he beats the shit out of them. It’s understandable here, but man does he go overboard, and quick! Seriously–he assaults, or happily threatens to assault, her friends and family and it’s supposed to be somehow endearing rather than awful.

Anyway, he stone-faced keeps repeating, “He hurt you,” or “he bit you without permission” (like most vampires ask before attacking…suuure) and tells her she needs to rid herself of her “tender heart” (HA!) and then he starts licking the blood off of her arm (without permission, by the way) causing her to feel “that tickling touch between (her) legs,” and she keeps asking him to stop, please don’t do that, knock it off “pretty pretty please with blood on top,” but instead of respecting her autonomy he keeps pulling her closer and closer, then starts making out with her, “so hard (she) was pulled up to (her) tiptoes,” and she discovers she finds her own blood erotically delicious, asks “how fucked up is that?” to the reader while he starts kissing down her neck–she describes her lips as “rudely swollen,” so that sounds nice. Yeeeah. He then tries to bite her, and she pushes him back. I will note one more time, all of this (including blooddrinking!) is entirely without her permission, something he just beat the shit out of another for doing. And yeah, that dude was a stranger, he’s not, but…this is before they get together (obvious spoiler alert!). This is while she barely knows him–this is, what, their third time meeting?–and while she still (thinks she–eyeroll ahoy!) hates him. So…this is pretty fucked up of him to do.

But of course the chapter ends with her wanting to go home, him saying she didn’t learn much, and her thinking to herself, Just that you’re about the best kisser in the world, but saying, “More than you think.” Waw waw.

And then we are onto Chapter 24. This one is 22 pages, because she has wildly varying chapter lengths, which is often an indicator that a writer isn’t truly ready to write legitimate books. I mean, yeah it’s not the end of the world, whatever, but going from 4 pages to fuckin’ 22 is a bit jolting. There’s no real reason why Chapter 23 had to be its own chapter–or rather, why Chapter 23 wasn’t just 26 pages. It starts out with her rising upon nightfall, only to (AGAIN!!) see that Sinclair has been watching her sleep. Same characters, same basic idea (teaching Betsy to be a better vampire/queen), no reason for a random chapter break.

She again takes time to describe what Sinclair is wearing–black dress pants, a black jacket, and a friggin’ black mock turtleneck, which I find hilarious to envision. Oh and…once again we run up against a stupid vampire cliché (wearing all black) when MJD has gone out of her way to mock clichés, thus rendering herself a bit of a hypocrite.

Apparently this time they are actually at Betsy’s house, and as they’re riffing Sinclair says, “I quite enjoyed our little…interlude last night.” Oh–isn’t having vampires continuously pause mid-sentence as if they have some sort of dramatic timing speech impediment a bit of a cliché itself? She does this ALL. THE. TIME.–at one point she even has the characters talk about it because of course she does.

“You would. Can you please do me a favor and at least ask before we lock lips?”

“No,” he said carelessly, as if such a thing is in any way, shape, or form an okay thing to do. Yeah, they’re EVENTUALLY going to be lovers, and eventually she will want his random kisses (although the way they become so is also sneaky and manipulative bullshit), but right here right now she straight up told him to at LEAST warn her, and he says no. She didn’t even call him out on being kinda rapey–which that so is–and he still just says nah girl, you don’t get to make your own decisions. Silly lil’ woman, thinking she has a choice when a man wants something! Seriously, fuck this shit!

Eventually Betsy excuses herself to go to the restroom. He asks why and she says “habit,” as vampires don’t have to pee–they can’t even form tears in this world, although blood, semen, and vaginal juices work just fine–but mostly it’s just implied she wants to get away from him. Fair enough!

After my evening ablutions, I’m writing out just because she uses one of her random vocabulary words to try to convince us that she is smart, such as they were, I walked into the kitchen to see Sinclair listening politely to Marc, who was explaining how he’d saved dozens of lives in one measly ER shift.

“–and then all the other docs were like, ‘no way, man, it can’t be done,’ and I’m all ‘dudes, step back, I’ll do it and damn the consequences,’ and they’re all, ‘we’re getting the hospital administrator, man,’ and I’m all, ‘dammit, dudes, this boy will die without my help,’ and they’re all–”

“I thought you were doing paperwork last night,” I said. “You know, catching up on your charts. Filing. Stuff like that.” Because Betsy is a terrible friend, and woe the day you met her! I mean, yeah, friends give each other shit, but c’mon. It obviously wasn’t true. You can humor the poor guy, as he just wants to impress his crush. Just stay silent! I know, that’s hard, but you can do it if you really try!

Marc gave me a good glare for interrupting the fantasy. “This happened after I got caught up,” he said stiffly. I reiterate: Betsy is a godawful friend. For a number of reasons which already may be patently obvious, but will just get worse from book to book!

Betsy turns her attention to Sinclair, asking him why he’s there. Marc says who cares, stay as long as you want, and she counters that that is not an official invitation. But Sinclair isn’t there to hang out anyway–he tells her that Tina, Dennis, and he need her services back at his mansion. “Things are escalating with…a certain other party.”

“You mean old Noseo is finally making a move?”

Sinclair also glared, clearly not caring for the way I blurted out vampire biz to mere mortals. “In a word, yes. We can discuss the subject further en route,” which causes Betsy to start whining about how she doesn’t want to be involved, she just got up and doesn’t want to immediately run off to “the mansion of sin” (because she’s super sexually repressed and continues to call them all sinners for it, until later when she’s literally fucking in front of her nagging friends who do running commentaries on how much furniture and rooms they’ve made uninhabitable with the memories…spoiler, I guess, but this is a vampire “romance,” so really you should have guessed shit like that may happen), she keeps saying she has “stuff to do” but never once clarifies beyond that–not that she should have to, mind you. I mean. This really isn’t her fight–she hasn’t even been dead a week (I think? Not much past that, if that) and they’re already demanding she take down a dictator–shit, she has no real way of knowing whether Nostro is even the bad guy, really, beyond the fact she thinks Tina and Sinclair are pretty and Nostro is not…which is sadly how you discern good guys and bad guys in crap romance fiction.

She keeps whining and complaining, saying it’s all so damned dumb and she bets even he thinks so, not that he would ever admit it. He agrees, “No, never,” which actually implies that he does agree, but Betsy is too thick to figure that out.

Her histrionics are finally interrupted by a random visit from her dad, which shocks everyone as he is apparently an incredibly negligent parent, to the point I honestly cannot fathom why he apparently fought for custodial rights and turned the Ant down when she begged him to just drop her. I mean, it’s even stated that he would take a lot of out of town trips, the implication being to get away from the dual whininess that is Betsy and the Ant, so like…I really don’t understand her dad, and I believe I never will. I haven’t read the final book yet (which is why I started rereading them anyway–I’m actually on Undead and Unstable, book 11–though doing these reviews has drastically reduced my reading process) but I sincerely doubt there will be a scene between her and her father at that point…especially for upcoming quite a bit later reasons.

But anyway, her tragic jerk of a spineless father comes by to ask Betsy to speak alone with him, after which he tells her, “You’re dead, Betsy. We were at the funeral.” (AGH I will NEVER know whether or not she had an actual funeral! It changes like every other time they mention it, including–)

“No you weren’t,” I said automatically, trying to figure out where he was going with this (oh my GOD she is SO DENSE). “It was canceled because I’d gone on walkabout.”

“I know,” he said bitterly.

“Really? Because it seems like a few of the details have slipped your mind.”

He shook his head hard, like there was a fly buzzing around his ear. “You look like my daughter, and you’ve got her smart mouth, but Elizabeth is dead. My daughter is dead.”

And so on and so on, he tries to leave but Betsy calls him out on being a coward, being famous for taking the easy way out instead of the right way at work, at home, and with his wives. He has always avoided conflict (although I’d argue him starting this conversation is a pretty big dive into conflict–but I get her point, and I do feel sorry for her here), always takes the low road, and she’s managed nevertheless to love him–but she will not let him do this. She will not accept this. He pleads a little, but she stands her ground and will be at his house for Easter dinner, as has been a schedule he made since the divorce (mom New Year’s, dad Easter, mom Memorial Day weekend, dad the 4th of July. “Just because I was too stubborn to stay dead doesn’t mean your wife is getting out of baking a ham this year. Assuming she can find the fucking stove.” Hee. This, this, should have been Betsy’s character. Someone who admittedly has flaws–she can keep her stupid designer shoe fetish–but is still kind of a badass, still someone who will stand up for herself–or others–for what’s right. Unfortunately, MJD doubles–no, triples…no, even that may not be enough–down on making her ignorant, selfish, self-involved, unwilling to ever admit she’s wrong yet constantly demanding others do (even when they’re right)…she really wrecks her characterization of Betsy here.

I really did like this book when I first read it. Sure, it’s fluffy bullshit, but it was fun fluffy bullshit–I legitimately laughed out loud during some scenes. It doesn’t have as immediate and obvious a drop as, say, Anita Blake, but there is a definite drop, unclear as it may be. By the time I was halfway through the reread, more and more it felt like an unwanted chore rather than an enjoyable story. I’m one of those people who likes to know the end of a series, even if the quality took a sharp drop. I also read pretty quickly. So I do intend to finally finish–especially as I’ve taken on this project–but there will come a point where I’m just exhausted in my abject disdain of nigh-every character. Some still have bright spots, but no one comes out unscathed. Everyone has their moments of complete and utter ridiculousness–some of it entirely out of character, as (say it with me!) MJD gives not one fuck about continuity.

When they are done speaking, Sinclair (who obviously heard everything) seized my father by the collar, crossed the room, and tossed him out the door like a naughty puppy. Then he shut the door with a satisfying bang. Hahaha. This is one time that Sinclair’s actions are actually the correct way to go–although I have trouble imagining anyone, even a supervamp, picking someone up merely by the collar and walking across the room to toss them out. Maybe I just buy cheap clothes (definitely), but I really doubt even expensive namebrand bullshit is that sturdy, enough that a grown man can lift another grown man by one tiny piece of fabric and also throw them out. I probably overthink this shit, but I’m always bothered by how MJD writes her “action” scenes–someone is always grabbing someone else by a strange, tiny body or clothing part (most often wrists, as noted before) and manages to carry and/or throw them, far AND hard enough to break something else. That is just…odd…and I sincerely doubt anyone could honestly do that, save a freak occurrence…certainly not consistently, as they do here. WHY THE WRIST?! It’s such a random, stupid quirk!

Marc pretends he didn’t hear everything, even asking her why her eyes are red (but she doesn’t produce tears?? I guess you don’t have to cry to get red eyes, but it certainly helps!) before she calls him out and he admits, yeah, they were kind of loud and it’s not exactly a big house. I think it’s a one-bedroom? Actually it never says, so maybe there are two (or more!)…that would make it easier for Marc to live there, anyway.

I say “anyway” too much.

Anyway! Heh. She remarks that she must have never outgrown waiting for him to be a better man, and Sinclair tells her he finds her remarkably brave. We get a chapter break, which starts back up with her very common trope of putting us right in the middle of an ongoing discussion, and eventually telling us what it’s about. It’s kind of annoying, especially since it’s done to death in this book alone!

“I won’t!”

“But you must.”

“No!”

“Are you so anxious for Nostro to gain more power?”

“Why does this have anything to do with me?”

“You know why. We’ve risked ourselves for you, Majesty, many times,” I only remember one time, but OH WELL. Also, she never once asked them to do that. They did it on their own accord. To claim that she now owes them something for it is utter bullshit. Trying to guilt-trip her by saying if she specifically doesn’t act, she is then responsible for anything further Nostro does, is also utter bullshit. These vampires are manipulative, utter bullshit.

“Thanks, but nobody asked you to. I didn’t ask you to.” I AM glad she finally points this out.

“You were foretold.”

Oh, don’t they have a response to everything? Nothing she says will ever be listened to, again she is just barely undead, she has no responsibility towards them or any real motive to trust them, and there is every chance they could end up just as evil as Nostro. That doesn’t ever come up–it’s never even hinted at, they’re always presented in a near-angelic light, but the point is that they could be, and she would be none the wiser…because she is newly undead, and only read a few excerpts about one vampire–Nostro. Admittedly, that last part is on her, and I’m not sure if Tina would ever be noteworthy enough to have been documented, but as Sinclair is one of those “rare strong ones,” and they claim he is the only one Nostro fears (for…some reason…) you’d think that alone would be noteworthy enough to get him even a casual mention.

They go on a little more, and then she says to herself, That’s why they were so interested in me. Not just because I was the Queen, but because I was the Queen who brought all the tribes together, who ruled them as one. Like the Speaker of the House, only way more bloodthirsty (she really missed some lame political joke here–which should have been right up her alley! And…’not because I was the queen, but because I was the queen?’ She is the only queen ever mentioned. She is THE vampire queen. So…yeah, not because I was the queen, but because I was the queen.) More Book of the Dead crap, which Tina had been reading to me all night. It was like attending Bible school in hell.

I certainly hope she means “all night” by Betsy’s ridiculous concept of time, as pretty much any time the Book is mentioned, they also go on and on about how it was written on flesh by an insane vampire 1,000 years ago, and to read it more than around 20 minutes causes rage-insanity. But, y’know…continuity! Ugh. Even I’m sick of myself saying that, and it’s only gonna get worse.

She says it was a mistake not feeding with them, and that along with Sinclair’s harem Tina has a group of women and Dennis has a group of men. She was uncomfortable with the idea of group feeding (as she’s uncomfortable with feeding at all–har har, can we stop this lame joke yet?) but now they’re entirely too impressed with her, and all the more certain she is the foretold queen.

I’m gonna use my future knowledge to add, as far as I’ve read (all but the final book), Betsy doesn’t actually unite all tribes or whatever. She has some followers and a lot more defiant rebels. There is a book where we get to see the future for a hot minute, but nothing about it implies that she’s unified jack shit. So maybe she is not the queen and all of this shit is just a hilarious mistake! That would actually be kind of funny, so of course MJD never thought of it.

Sinclair tells her that the reality is just as painful to him as it is to her (nice!), but points out all the reasons she must be queen: daylight and holy items don’t hurt her, dogs follow her, she can control her thirst (every other vampire must feed nightly), and she retained her identity immediately. “I don’t doubt that the woman before me is much the same as the twit who breathed a month ago,” and goes on to say, “You’re vain, you think constantly of your own pleasures, you like your pretty things, you’re fond of your creature comforts…”

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Satin Sheet Boy!”

He remained unruffled, though Dennis had to force his laugh into a cough. “You have remained you. This is the most definitive proof…you can think of others–friends and strangers alike–before your own needs. Most vampires would drink from their own grandmothers if thirsty enough. Plus, people react to your charisma.” He points out that Dr. Marc sure was quick to move in with her, even though he’s “not oriented to your sex,” and that Jessica was never frightened of her. She tells herself that her dad was scared of her, but he keeps going on to say that if she accepts her fate, she can protect her friends and family alike–that even now, Nostro could be sending The Fiends to her mother’s house to annihilate her, and then tells her that he actually went to her house yesterday and made arrangements to get her out of the state for the time being. That was nice of him. Just that, really.

She has a lot of internal monologue, and eventually asks if Nostro thinks she’s the queen. They say no, but he still badly wants her, as vampires as strong as her don’t rise every day.

I really hate “prophecy” plots, especially ones that also still try to say it is our choices which define us. How can you have choices if this prophecy shit is infallible? Who makes these damn prophecies, and why? Do so many creative types really need to rely on this trope to force their main into being considered ~*special*~, rather than explain their unique badassery in an organic, story-based way? I would much rather read a story about someone triumphing because of their own morals, ingenuity, and creativity rather than “A Prophecy Said So!” bullshit.

And even if she was foretold, so what? Because of some dumb prophecy, she has absolutely no say over her own life? Because someone else who never ever even had a minute chance to meet her said so, she is stripped of her autonomy?

Fuck that. Give me a character who does what’s right because they believe in it, and themselves, any day. Give me a character who has flaws, weaknesses, things working against them and they triumph anyway. Give me a character who feels a purpose, who isn’t omnipotent but is willing to fight anyway; doesn’t have some prophecy-based Plot Armor but still does what has to be done. Fuck, Harry Potter was the most boring of the main three–Hermione was honestly the real hero, and Ron at least had some personality to him–many times, you could have traded Harry for a wet piece of cardboard, and no one would know the difference. Because a prophecy guaranteeing abject victory is boring.

Also during her monologuing, Betsy does mention she’s been undead for less than a full week, so I was right about that.

There’s around six pages of them trying to convince her in various ways with her protesting all the while. She finally starts talking about what an asshole Nostro seems to be her own self, droning on and on all the things everyone already knows, including the reader. There’s even a by jove, I think she’s finally getting it, although it is gestured, not said aloud. I guess I’ll write it out…well, not all of it. I’m gonna ignore the others chiming in, as it’s not necessary, and just go with Betsy’s (relevant) speechifying alone:

“The time for apathy is done.”

The time for what is what? (seriously? She’s supposed to be secretly intelligent and somewhat well-read, and she doesn’t understand what apathy means?) Oh, who cared. “I don’t know about all that, but I’ll tell you what–I never thought I’d be scared of a bald guy in a bad tux. I mean, he’s sincerely crazy. It’s not just the numbers he controls and the bad clothes and the bald spot… (priorities!) he’s creepy. …And his history! Cripes, it’s enough to give a troll nightmares. He doesn’t care who gets hurt or who gets killed as long as he can be the boss. He started trying shit when he was barely dead, you believe that? I’d never trust him to do the right thing on his own–and I sure don’t trust him to do right by the vampires he forced to be on his side. “

Sinclair chimes in that Nostro’s one big regret in unlife is having let him go; that having him and his not under Nostro’s control eats at him, so much so he expects one day to come downstairs to find 200 vampires waiting to kill him. Gosh, and they (rightfully, but still) call Betsy vain…

Okay. Clearly Nostro is not a good dude. But seriously, she’s outright said now that she hasn’t even been dead a week. That is genuinely not enough time to throw your lot in with people, especially people who’ve barely revealed jack shit about themselves. Honestly, it’s not even enough time to fully decide to overthrow the reigning vampire–she just said that he’s “forcing” others to be with him, but we are not actually told as much by his actual lackeys. Yeah, that vampire book said he’s done a lot of awful shit–but may I remind you, it was a book expressly given to her by Sinclair, who is most definitely not a neutral party and easily could have forged that shit. I’m just saying, the timeline MJD has given us really doesn’t bode well for any logical decisions. Of course it will end up being a “good thing,” overthrowing him, because this is pretty paint-by-numbers, but it didn’t have to be that way, and hell, it would have been more interesting if they were actively trying to manipulate her (well, even more) by forging the books or forcing a decision which is not wholly beneficial…maybe I’m alone in thinking all this, but c’mon…it’s been less than a week. Maybe you ought to try to learn about your new race–not blindly trusting one side because they’re hot–and make an educated decision or two?

But that’s not in Betsy’s character. She is finally swayed into doing this–after that quoted soliloquy she immediately went back to whining and calling them insane–by something which actually is kind of hilarious, in that it is so stupid and just off-the-wall enough to be believable (from Betsy, anyway)…they bribe her…with shoes. Dennis goes and retrieves ten boxes of designer shoes (they’re all named, but I don’t think that’s worth writing down…page 227 on the paperback, if you’re dying to know what gaudy 90s shoes she’s pimping this time). She screams with joy, demands a mirror, and Sinclair solidifies her agreement by saying oh, it’s a shame you can’t keep them because you won’t help us…maybe Nostro will accept them as a token of peace. Which has the desired effect of making her immediately agree to anything they want. She even kisses him, and asks if she could get a bonus pair if they settle this tonight? “Kiss me like that again and I’ll buy you a baker’s dozen.”

Tina and Dennis are a bit taken aback that this plan worked, and seriously all it took was giving her some fancy shoes. Betsy is admiring her feet and internally convincing herself this is the right decision regardless of the shoes, although the shoes made all the difference.

We get another chapter break and immediately return to Dennis saying, “You’re going to help them overthrow Nostro, then,” while he’s putting a case of plum wine on the bar. Again, this is the only book of fifteen where plum wine is her drink of choice, and it’s kind of distracting when you know it’ll never come up again.

She has another internal monologue for a bit before answering him, wherein she tells herself they probably just want her for status more than anything (“We’ve got the queen on our side…surrender!”), surely they don’t expect her to have any fighting or tactical skill.

“Sure. Look: it’s not that I want Nostro to stay in charge, because I don’t. He’s a crazy creep, and he treats his Fiends badly and all the other vampires are scared shitless of him, except maybe for Sinclair. I mean, when the monsters are scared of somebody, they should probably get rid of that person, right?”

“Right…” blah blah, it goes on, she thinks if she can do the right thing and increase her shoe collection by 80%…which is a bit pathetic, actually. So, she’s been collecting designer shoes for as long as she’s worked, and she’s thirty so she’s worked quite a chunk of years–modeling, candy striper, Executive Assistant, and whatever else not exactly white collar but still has a fairly agreeable wage, and she has what…8 shoes to show for it? She did make a point earlier that she refused to let her dad buy them, as earning them makes them truly hers…although she also stated that her dad used to bribe her with designer shoes so who knows what’s real anymore…but anyway, my point is she really ought to have way more bullshit overpriced shoes than that, and later on it’s implied she did, sooo…whatever, why am I even expecting an editor at this point?

Anyway, he asks what if she changes her mind? And she claims she’s caught on and that Dennis must be concerned about her 180, that she will leave his friends high and dry. “Don’t worry, I won’t. Besides, I owe that creep for siccing Shanara on my friends. And for throwing me in the pit with the Fiends. And for the Maypole Massacre of sixteen-whatever.”

He points out she wasn’t even alive then and calls him a “tempermental man,” asks for confirmation that her mind is definitely made up, and she never, ever realizes the so-totally obvious since his first freaking sentence, you’re going to help THEM which I figured out from the get-go obviously meant he was a secret Nostro spy, and I’m wondering how many of you did too, and betting pretty much anybody who’s ever read a book before.

“You don’t have to worry.”

“Actually,” he sighed, “now’s when I have to start worrying.”

I had just enough time to wonder why he was swinging a case full of wine bottles at my head when everything went bright white, then dead black.

Jesus, Betsy…REALLY? It genuinely takes her until being knocked unconscious with a box of wine bottles–even while he’s SWINGING the damned things she has NO IDEA–to figure out that he’s maybe not actually Team Betsy? For fuck’s sake.

I really don’t know why MJD decided to make her this dense. I mean, some of it can be cute and maybe even a bit funny, but you get to a point where you’re wondering whether or not she had to take special ed. That is not a slam on special ed; I am genuinely wondering and no, I don’t think it makes anyone beneath anyone else, but it still is fairly indicative of one’s probable intelligence level, yeah? Basically, she’s stupid, and she is so stupid even when someone is basically screaming at her oh hey I’m evil and I’m about to betray you big time, it takes an actual completed act of assault for her to get a single clue.

That is pathetic.

COMING SOON: Waking up angry, can Betsy get out of this one?, and, most important of all…WHAT ABOUT HER SHOES?!?

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