Chapter 34 begins with Doyle carrying Merry into the lobby of the hotel, and upon entering the lobby, they see Griffin, Merry’s ex-fiance, sitting inside. Griffin had shoulder-length thick, wavy copper-colored hair. Merry realizes, staring at Griffin now, that she feels nothing for him, nothing but an aching emptiness, because she had wasted 7 years of her mortal life on him. 

Griffin stands and begins sauntering over to the group, his eyes “filled with a knowledge of my body and the promise that he would have access to it soon”. He tells Merry that Andais had insisted that he not be at the banquet, and he wants to know what he missed out on. Merry point blank asks him what he’s doing there.

Griffin tells her that the queen lifted her geas of celibacy for her alone, and that also the queen said she would send Merry one of her men to act as her agent within Merry’s group. Merry will have NONE of this, and insists that Doyle take her to her room so she can contact the queen through the hotel room’s mirror. She wants nothing to do with Griffin, and does not want him there at all. She tells Griffin to go away, but he refuses, saying that he’s there on the queen’s orders and only her orders can send him away. Merry finally acquiesces and allows Griffin to accompany them back to her room. 

As they are all riding up in the elevator (seriously – all of them are in the elevator. Wouldn’t you think it’d be smart to only have a few in the elevator in case anyone tampers with it, and have the others take the stairs up to the room? That would be the smart thing to do, but OMG FAERIES SEX OMG CAN’T BE AWAY FROM HER GUARDS GRIFFIN BAD) Merry catches herself staring at Griffin, and Griffin realizes this, so he throws his glamor and causes Merry to have a very strong reaction toward him. When the elevator stops and the doors open, Galen grabs Griffin by the arm and drags him out, which releases Merry from her thoughts and stops Griffin’s glamor. 

After making sure the room was clear, Merry and crew enter, and Doyle immediately leads Merry to the bed so that they can fuck use the mirror to call the queen. BUT FIRST, all the men, save Griffin, climb onto the bed with Merry to pose around her. Doyle calls the queen with his power, and the queen answers, sitting on her own bed with Eamon and the blonde pet laying in bed together, naked. 

Merry promptly asks Andais what the fuck, and Andais responds that Merry had agreed to fuck her spy. Merry tells her that she will fuck whoever the queen sends next, but she absolutely will never again have relations with Griffin, that she wants to know that Griffin is forced into celibacy again, never again allowed to sleep with anyone for the rest of his immortal life. 

This pleases Andais. Andais is psychotic and sadistic, remember? It’s basically forced down our throats every time Andais is mentioned. So obviously she is elated when Merry says she’d rather see Griffin suffer than ever take him as a lover again. Andais agrees to send another spy, and orders Griffin back to the sithen. Merry asks who will spy for Andais next, wanting to know prior to them arriving so she is not surprised again, and Andais reveals that the next spy will be Pasco. 

Pasco, Rozenwyn’s twin brother. Rozenwyn, who had previously tried to kill Merry in a duel. Rozenwyn, Cel’s #2. 

Yeah, that’s smart.

Merry agrees to Pasco, as in her anger anyone would be more acceptable than Griffin. This pisses Griffin off. He truly cannot believe that Merry would want to fuck anyone over him (GET IT). Andais orders Griffin back, and says that she will send Pasco right over. Griffin leaves, but not before threatening that “this is not the last you will see of me”  and apologizes. Merry asks him if he is apologizing for the end of their engagement, or apologizing that he doesn’t get to ever fuck Merry again. “All of it,” he responds and leaves.

Andais tells Merry that she had to be sure that Merry no longer had feelings for Griffin, that Merry had passed her test, because love can interfere with lust. Andais tells Merry that she’s very pleased with her, and Merry gets snippy.

“I’m just tickled pink that you’re pleased,” I said.“Have a care, Meredith. I don’t like sarcasm directed at me.”“And I don’t like having my heart cut out for your pleasure.” The moment I said it, I knew it was a mistake.Her eyes narrowed. “When I cut your heart out, Meredith, you’ll know.”

The mirror goes blank, and Galen tells Merry that that was a poor choice of words, that she shouldn’t be putting any ideas into Andais’s mind. Merry is basically whatever, and decides she wants to shower, as she’s still covered in blood from her time with the roses. She asks for any volunteer to help her bathe. Galen immediately offers his assistance, but Merry tells him now, that he’s injured and isn’t able to help “finish what they start”. Doyle tells them that he will take first guard’s watch, and that leaves Frost and Rhys. Merry is forced to choose between them, but as soon as Rhys leans that Kitto will be joining them to take his flesh, Rhys backs out. Rhys will never share Merry with a goblin, as he hates them for taking his eye. 

So Merry, Frost, and Kitto head to the bathroom, and Kitto starts running the water for the bath. Now, remember, this is a typical, normal, regular hotel room – just a bed and maybe a small table with two chairs. Nothing fancy at all, nothing special. So this bathroom’s gotta be your regulation size hotel bathroom. HOW. How are they all fitting in there? 

Frost unzips Merry’s dress for her, and then Merry tries tugging at Frost’s shirt to take it off, but it’s stuck. Frost tells her that the shirt is fastened to his briefs, like a fucking ballet unitard

Frost tells Merry that in order to take off the shirt he has to remove his pants first, but that he doesn’t trust himself with Merry. It’s been 800 years since he’s fucked a woman, and he doesn’t trust that he won’t go all caveman on her. 

“Are you saying you don’t trust yourself not to…” I searched for a word, but had to settle for, “rape me?”He nodded.
I laughed, I couldn’t help it. I knew he wouldn’t like the laughter, but I just couldn’t help it.His face grew arrogant, distant, eyes cold but still angry. “What do you want of me, Meredith?”“Frost, forgive me, but you can’t rape the willing.”

Frost tells Merry that he’s feeling crazed, that he wants sex so badly that he doesn’t think he’ll last long enough for her pleasure, so he’s worried that it won’t be enjoyable for her. Merry reminds him that she’s descended from fertility gods, and she can take satisfaction from any sex, and that she can make him ROCK HARD again and again with her magic ORIFICES, and that she’s planning on having sex with him several times this night. 

Which makes Frost go fucking buck wild, rip off his clothes, and just starts fucking Merry right on the bathroom counter. Now, gross. Gross. You really think that countertop has EVER been cleaned by the cleaning crew at whatever cheap-ass hotel they’re at? Nope. 

Oh, and we get this staple of EVERY LKH SEX SCENE:

“You’re tight – not ready for me – but you are wet.”

EVERY TIME. EVERY SINGLE TIME MERRY (and Anita Blake in her other series) IS ABOUT TO HAVE SEX, ANOTHER CHARACTER TELLS HER HOW TIGHT AND HOW WET HOW VERY VERY TIGHT AND SO VERY VERY WET SHE IS

I might make a special blog post just counting every single tight and wet quote between both series. Thank god for e-readers and text search. 

Frost starts banging her like crazy, and that bathroom must be echoing with so much ball thwaking sound. Thwak Thwak Thwak Smack Smack Thwak. Frost is holding Merry down and just jackhammering away, and both their skin starts glowing and eventually Frost finishes, screaming out, which then causes Merry to orgasm and they’re both screaming like a bunch of idiots in this tiny hotel bathroom.